[Ecis2023]
- MatthewDusQues
We are often unaware of our habits and the doings that come to us as easy tasks. We tend to follow in the footsteps of others, which forms the base of our thoughts. Yet if we create an active start and mind ourselves, it is never too late to form new habits. Here are some funny inspirational quotes you will surely love, so check them out today.
You are reading: Best Funny Inspirational Quotes About Laughing [ecis2023]
Table of Contents
- 1 Funniest Quotes To Make You Laugh
- 2 Funny Friday Inspirational Quotes
- 3 Inspirational Quotes For Work Funny
- 4 Funny Daily Quotes
- 5 Inspirational Funny Quotes From Comedians
- 6 Funny Motivational Quotes
- 7 Funny Life Quotes 2022
Funniest Quotes To Make You Laugh
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby
“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?” — Captain Jack Sparrow
“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant
“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.” – Dave Barry
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
“A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” – Justin Sewell
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love
“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” – Isaac Asimov
“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” – Robert Brault
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Do or do not. There is no try. “ — Yoda, “Star Wars”
“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” – Irish Quote
“Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow.”
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw
“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” —Unknown
“See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly.” – George Harris
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
“If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself.” – Irish Proverbs
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller
“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.“ – Robert Downey Jr
“The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts.” – Fulton J. Sheen
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
“Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.” — Harry Emerson Fosdick
“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.” – Charles Gordy
“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.” – Will Rogers
“The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.” – Unknown
“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson
“Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a gossip.” – Richard Steele
“A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” – Lucille Ball
“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
“Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” – Sherrilyn Kenyon
“If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.” – Donald Trump
“I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.” – Will Rogers
“Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” —Bill Murray
“I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.” – Cassandra Duffy
“If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap.” – Glen Buck
“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.” – Terry Pratchett
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”- Unknown
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.” —Erma Bombeck
“To Retirement! It’s nice to get out of the rat race, But you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Cause your facial expression to change – smile.” – Catherine Pulsifer
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“Elbert Hubbard quote “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive” – A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“We humans are a silly bunch. We spend half our time trying to fit in with the crowd and the other half trying to stand out from it.” – Nick Vujicic
“Bad decisions make good stories.” — Ellis Vidler
“Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”– George Burns
“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charleton Heston
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Shulz
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis” – Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln” – War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Pierce
“In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later.” – Harold Geneen
“A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey.” — Dolly Parton
“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” —Joey Adams
“Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.” – Dick Van Dyke
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers
“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” – Bob Hope
“Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” – Unknown
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”– Steven Wright
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams
“Happen to things, don’t let things happen to you.” – Stephen Covey
“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London
“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.”– Germany Kent
“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”– Jeffree Star
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Waterson
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein
“You can’t experience simple joys when you’re living life with your hair on fire.” – Emily Ley
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen
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“An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” – Will Rogers
“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover
“He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers
“Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.” – Henny Youngman
“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” – W. C. Fields
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
Funny Friday Inspirational Quotes
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” – E. B. White
“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
“If at first, you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.” – Jim Rome
“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.” – Bill Hicks
“f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.” – Peter Cook
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden
“I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
“Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
“When life puts you in a tough situation, don’t say ‘Why me?’, say ‘Try me.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” – Jeffrey Gitomer
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
“Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.” – Voltaire
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
“When life brings big winds of change that almost blow you over, close your eyes, hang on tight, and believe.” — Lisa Lieberman-Wang
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” – Sam Levenson
“Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.” – J.R. Ewing, Dallas
“A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.” – Michael Douglas, Wall Street
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” – Derek Bok
“I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale
“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.” – Mark Twain
“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe
“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis
“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” – Scott Adams
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney J. Harris
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch
“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!” – Steven Weinberg
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Steve Carell, The Office
“You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.” – Joel Osteen
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Charles Dudley Warner
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant
“A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” – Sir Alec Issigonis
Inspirational Quotes For Work Funny
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright
“To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” – H.L. Mencken
“I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a seersucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.” – Jay Shulte
“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno
“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” – Josh Billings
“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
“Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.” – Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz
Funny Daily Quotes
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is that its unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fatz Domino
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.” – Thomas Lansing Masson
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield
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“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.” – Si Robertson
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Inspirational Funny Quotes From Comedians
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.” – Fred Allen
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” – Bill Maher
“If you think you have it tough, read history books.” – Bill Maher
“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.” – Bill Maher
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” – Conan O’Brien
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.” – Demetri Martin
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
“I live about four muggings from Central Park.” – Henny Youngman
“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you’re alive it isn’t.” – Richard Bach
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” – Henny Youngman
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” – Naguib Mahfouz
“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” – Gilbert Gottfried
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” – Gilbert Gottfried
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” – Zach Galifianakis
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” – Larry David
“If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.” – Larry David
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
“I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.” – Seth MacFarlane
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
“I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz
“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.” – Jon Stewart
“Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there.” – Josh Billings
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” – Frank Zappa
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.” — Charles Bukowski
“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.” – Jon Stewart
“My theory is that all of the Scottish cuisines is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx
“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley
“If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
“Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.” – George Burns
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns
Funny Motivational Quotes
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?” – George Carlin
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
“Be happy, it drives people crazy.” — Paulo Coelho
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey
“Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.” – George Eliot
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” – Thomas Sowell
“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.” – Roger Staubach
“I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” – Edgar Allan Poe
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.” – Sid Caesar
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West
“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”– Scott Adams
Funny Life Quotes 2022
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
“Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.” – Bill Murray
“Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.” – Ron White
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
“DeBeers should change its motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’” – Ron White
“I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.” – Ron White
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Eddison
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
Read more:
- Top 100+ Romantic Deep Short Love Quotes [2022]
- Top Wonderful Thinking Of You Quotes For Your Love [2022]
- Top Best Mental Health Self-Care Quotes [2022]
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Category: Quotes
